Homefront

HOMEFRONT
R
100 Minutes
Director: Gary Fielder
Writer: Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham, James Franco, Winona Ryder

CAST
Jason Statham…Phil Broker
James Franco…Morgan ‘Gator’ Bodine
Izabela Vidovic…Maddy Broker
Winona Ryder…Sheryl Marie Mott

Ex-DEA agent, Phil Broker, moved to a new town with his daughter. His wife died and now he’s doing things Danny Tanner style. By mopping the floor clean with his enemies. I don’t know what he does for a living.   His daughter gets in a fight at school with the wrong kid. And this unleashes a battle that really blows the situation out of proportion.

HOMEFRONT feels a bit like ROADHOUSE, except ROADHOUSE wasn’t this ridiculous. This movie feels closer to a condensed episode of BREAKING BAD. Without a story or character development. Gator is like Walter White. Phil is like a bald, DEA agent. There’s no Skyler though. Phil’s wife is long dead. Oh man, you know this is going to be good. Because DEA agents and drug lords go together about as well as two positively-charged ions.

Regardless of the character he’s playing, it’s always difficult not to root for James Franco. And in that way, I think he’s like a skinny Louie Anderson.  But in HOMEFRONT, he plays an unsympathetic, almost comically evil, villain. I didn’t have a problem with Franco cooking meth, but when he killed that kitten, that’s where I stop rooting for him. I found out later, he merely abducted the kitten of a nine-year-old girl. Okay cool, now I’m back on the Franco trolley. But then he tries to kill Jason Statham, and perhaps not return the kitten. This is where I had mixed emotions. On one hand, all the meth money is helping the community, but on the other hand, he’s a sociopath. But then again, meth makes people more productive…hmmm

I’m genuinely surprised to see Jason Statham and James Franco in the same movie. I wonder what the conversation was like for Franco and his agent…

So I’m playing a dooshy, meth dealer, and Jason Statham is the guy seeking revenge on me. And what’s that…Sly Stallone wrote it. Call me Thompson’s Water Seal, cuz I am on board. Perhaps I’ll have to make my trophy case larger, with all the Oscars I’m taking home from this film. And what the hell, why did you wait so long to tell me about this project?…You’re fired.

Everyone dies in the end. Not in this movie though. I think everyone knows how HOMEFRONT ends. One guy kills any desire you had to see movies with Jason Statham.

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Escape Plan

ESCAPE PLAN
R
115 Minutes
Director: Mikael Håfström
Writers: Miles Chapman, Jason Keller,
Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, 50 Cent

CAST
Sylvester Stallone…Ray Breslin
Arnold Schwarzenegger…Emil Rottmayer
Jim Caviezel…Hobbes
Vincent D’Onofrio…Lester Clark
Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson…Hush

Basic premise: After a 30 year stint for aggravated manslaughter, Ray Breslin becomes a school janitor. Ten minutes later, he holds a classroom hostage. During an 8 hour standoff, Sly murdered and raped an entire class of third graders.  After taking care of business,  Sly surrendered to local authorities. He gets life in prison, and now Breslin plans his escape.

What If Everything Goes Wrong?

Not really, here’s the real story. Ray Breslin escapes from jail, for a living. He tests maximum security prisons, and writes big books on prison security. Ray can break out of any prison designed by man.

Mr. Breslin goes to an off-the-grid, privately run prison. This place houses terrorists, and the monsters that download music illegally. It makes Gitmo look like Chuck E. Cheese. On his first day in the joint, the warden wants to put a little scare into him;  so Ray’s eyes get pinned open, CLOCKWORK ORANGE style. And the warden makes him watch COBRA, once, all the way through.

This Prison Just Exceeded Its Maximum Capacity…Him.

Ray has escaped for decades, but at such an advanced age,  without a constant supply of HGH, his physical condition deteriorates quickly, making escape much more difficult. He’s going to have to rely solely on skill. This is where all that RAMBO/ROCKY/STOP OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT training pays off.

Smart people usually don’t end up in maximum security prison. In LAW AND ORDER:CI, Detective Goren lands himself in jail. All to prove that the prison was killing problem inmates. The premise of that episode was different, still though, both Goren and Ray had to play a pretend, dumb prisoner.

Get Free Or Die Tryin’

Curtis ’50 Cent’ Jackson plays a smart guy with glasses. But don’t worry, this Poindexter proves he is still gangsta as shit.

Vincent D’Onofrio plays the head of a prison security analyst firm…who is secretly evil. He doesn’t want Stallone to leave the jail he’s landed himself in. For the first time, I’m a little disappointed with D’Onofrio here. He is getting a lower placement on my top three actors list.

Current list:
1. Christopher Walken
2. Philip Seymour Hoffman
3. Vincent D’Onofrio
Vince, I’m sorry it had to come down to this.

Arnold and Stallone have a chemistry I didn’t expect. Ten years from now , I could see them doing GRUMPIEST OLD MEN together, this film’s sequel. Someone is going to have to take care of all those members of al-Qaeda that escaped in this movie.

Last Words
 
In any good prison escape film, there’s a final showdown with the warden.  Like you duct tape your hand to an electric chair switch, while Donald Sutherland is sitting down in the chair.  That type of pivotal moment doesn’t exist here, and it’s unfortunate. Still though, I think ESCAPE PLAN is worth seeing. I know this film is bad, yet I can’t take my eyes off it. Nothing is good, everything is predictable. I like it, but you might not. It’s probably best to watch this hung over.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

The Snitch

THE SNITCH
112 Minutes
PG-13
Director: Ric Roman Waugh
Writers: Justin Haythe, Ric Roman Waugh Dwayne Johnson, Susan Sarandon, Jon Bernthal

‘That movie was about child custody too. But it wasn’t that good. It was- I don’t know, it was missing something, you know? Ah, what was it missing? I can’t- Oh wait, I know… arm wrestling!’
-Norm MacDonald SNL (09/27/97)

Cast
Dwayne Johnson John Matthews
Susan Sarandon Joanne Keeghan
Jon Bernthal Daniel James
Rafi Gavron Jason Collins

Yeah, we got a little ol' convoy. Ain't she a beautiful sight?

This is one trucker movie that isn’t OVER THE TOP.

I’m going to try to keep my professional wrestling comments to a minimum. But once again, ‘The Rock’ layeth the smackdown on some jabronis and really sticks it up their candy ass.

There are a few things that separate Dwayne Johnson from other action stars, both past and present. First, he doesn’t beat up his wife…because he isn’t married. Secondly, he’s the current WWE Champion in his eighth reign. Lastly, and most importantly; with ‘The Rock’ and the characters he portrays, you know he’s going to finish what he starts. Just look at that movie poster. Do you have any doubts about what that man can accomplish?

Most men with male pattern baldness, have to address it eventually. And the way you address it matters. Like Jeremy Piven, he looked ridiculous with those awful hair plugs. But being completely bald is better than the cul-de-sac look, or the bad Giuliani comb over. Steve Martin had an interesting move, getting a toupée that made it look like he was balding. Dwayne Johnson never had much hair to begin with. So this head shaving business, it’s something he did very begrudgingly.

The Plot

The son, Jason, is FedExed some ecstasy. His friend set him up to avoid jail time. He has far too much integrity to pull the same thing on someone else.

The premise isn’t 100% believable. Working with the DEA; John uses his trucking business to take on ruthless drug lords, all to get his son out of jail. Also, it was tough accepting Susan Sarandon as an ultraconservative federal prosecutor. But it’s all inspired by real events. Which could mean absolutely anything.

Parting Words

I’m sure Dwayne Johnson will be in many more bad movie sequels. But over time, I see him evolving into a more mature, distinguished sort of actor. Maybe, he could star in a remake of THE ROCK, just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

But yeah, looking forward to FAST SIX.

Final Verdict: 75 out of 100

Bullet To The Head

BULLET TO THE HEAD
R
92 Minutes
Director: Walter Hill
Writers: Alessandro Camon, Alexis Nolent
Sylvester Stallone, Jason Momoa, Christian Slater

Cast
Sylvester Stallone--James Bonomo
Sung Kang--Taylor Kwon
Christian Slater--Marcus Baptiste
'Mr. Eko' from LOST-- Robert Nkomo Morel

Movie Quote...

Sung Lang: Are you fucking insane? You don't just kill a guy like this...
James Bonomo: I just did.

Stallone and Kang: in the unlikeliest comedy duo since TANGO AND CASH. No wait, I think David Duke and Malcom X would be the unlikeliest comedy duo. But strictly speaking, this film isn't a comedy, or at least an intentional one.

Brains and brawn, beauty and the geek. One's clean-cut and the other's rough around the edges.

You might think this looks like an Owen Wilson-Jackie Chan-type duo. But you'd be wrong. I think one could argue, with the criminal-cop dynamic, and the racial clash, Bonomo and Kwon, are most like Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte in 48 HOURS.

    'That's all we expect of man, this side the grave: his good is - knowing he is bad.'
    -Robert Browning quoted at the beginning of GET CARTER (2000)
 
James Bonomo, part Rocky, part Rambo, part...just doesn't give a shit. By all appearances, this man is an honest criminal. But he's sees himself as an irredeemable nogoodnic, who no longer wants to be bothered.
 
You've seen this movie before. There's an investigation, police corruption, internal affairs gets involved, the police chief knows what's really going on, and is in on everything. Stallone's 'kind-of adopted' daughter, gets taken hostage in a large industrial building. The only thing you couldn't see coming was the axe fight (the tool, not the spray).
 
Sly has never looked this good, or good, period. But it looks like he's taking care of himself, with the HGH, and all. Good for him.
 
A-C Slater is looking for a comeback vehicle, and he hasn't found it yet. In recent years, his career had a resurgence, because he managed to snag so many quality roles on TV. But if he wants to move from the kiddie, to the grown folks table, figuratively speaking, then he should step up his game. He needs to get a small part, in a critically acclaimed film, made by a top-tier director. I'm not saying he'll win an Oscar. But I think if he puts his mind to it, one day, he can attend a party at Brangelina's, and NOT get escorted out by security.
 
I didn't care for this movie too much, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't like it. But why play Russian Roulette: a bullet to the head is bad for your brain.

Final Verdict: 65 out of 100
Sidenote: If you close your eyes, you may notice that Christian Slater and Jonah Hill have the same voice.

Jurassic Attack

JURASSIC ATTACK
84 Minutes
NR
Director: Anthony Fankhauser
Writer: Rafael Jordan
Corin Nemec, Alicia Ziegler, Gary Stretch, Vernon Wells

CAST
Corin Nemec--Colonel Carter
Vernon Wells--Agent Grimaldi
Gary Stretch--Captain John Steakley
Alicia Ziegler--Sarah Haldeman

'You cannot land on this island.'
-JURASSIC PARK III

Yes, The Non-Dinosaur Parts Really Are That Bad.

What I like about watching movies on computers, is you can fast-forward  through an entire movie, and still get the gist of things.

There's nothing wrong with rehashing an old story. Here, we start out with a stripped down version of THE LOST WORLD (not the movie). Somehow, this classic story got ruined.

An élite team of American soldiers, tries to hunt down a Benicio Del Toro-looking, Che Guevara-wannabe; the guerilla leader of a miscellaneous, Central American country. I'm not sure why things end up in dinosaur country. But stick with me.

The only human living in this dinosuar world is an eccentric recluse. The sole protector of these majestic inhabitants. He's kind of like Dian Fossey in GORILLAS IN THE MIST (1988). Forget about the traditional palaeontologist garb, this professor prefers to look like a caveman from a Geico commercial.

There is one character. I don't know what his job title is, he where's a suit and tie, and barks orders at the Colonel. This man is all about blowing up the dinosaurs. But they live in a self-contained ecosystem, with no clear entrance or exit. It seems to me, blowing them up is logistically improbable. It's a small flaw in an otherwise flawless premise.

I acknowledge, with a crazy story, you have to suspend disbelief. But I can't ignore how American soldiers are portrayed. No one bothers with trying to sound American. I hear Dutch, English, and German accents, which makes perfect sense because they're an American Army unit.

Dynamite More Like 'Dino-Mite'

What I found most offensive was how they killed dinosaurs. With RPGs and automatic weapons. There's a blatant disregard for what is, essentially. a priceless, biological anomaly. Where is Sarah Mclachlan when you need her?

Forget about seeing this. You'll find more believable dinosaurs on BARNEY AND FRIENDS. This isn't good enough for Redbox. This isn't even good enough to appear on the SyFy channel at three in the morning.  If I was the filmmaker, and was just looking to make some quick cash.  I'd create a holographic DVD cover, put a misleading synopsis on the back, misquote Roger Ebert, and insert a random clip of Jeff Goldblum into the film.

Over the past decade there have been many good dinosaur programs, by the Discovery channel, and the BBC. Watch one of them, if you like dinosaurs. I believe one of them is narrated by Alec Baldwin. But, if you don't like dinosaurs, then please accept my sincerest apologies for having wasted your time.

Final Verdict: 23 out of 100

Marked For Death (Retro)

MARKED FOR DEATH (1990)
R
93 Minutes
Director: Dwight H. Little
Writers: Michael Grais, Mark Victor
Steven Seagal, Keith David Joanna Pacula, Basil Wallace

Cast
Steven Seagal--John Hatcher
Basil Wallace--Screwface
Keith David--Max

    Give me what I need and I'll leave here a nice guy. If you don't, I'm gonna fuck you up.'
                 -John Hatcher

Before starting his career as a blues musician, and even before the Mountain Dew commercials. We had Steven Seagal in his prime. He's a man, widely regarded as the biggest asshole in Hollywood. But would the biggest asshole in Hollywood sexually harass Jenny McCarthy, while she auditions for UNDER SEIGE II. AND get anointed by the Dalai Lama? Perhaps.

John Hatcher, 35, retires from the DEA, after his partner gets killed. He takes this newly found abundance of free time, and does a little soul searching. John stops by the old neighborhood, and pays the family a visit, hanging out there for a bit.

'Since when did anyone ever accuse me of being sane?'

One day, while he's catching up with an old friend at the pub, trouble found him. Rastafarian, dope-pushers, spray the pub with oozys. Reluctantly, he  comes out of retirement. He can no longer ignore the thugs that have taken the town hostage.

Screwface has been pushing crack to high school kids. But he's not all bad, he gives kids free samples during school functions.

So he teaches the drug king pin...Damien Marley... I mean 'Screwface' a lesson in manners. Screwface vows revenge.

So What's The Deal With The Title?

    'It's an African black magic symbol. lt was used by the Jamaican drug gang the other night...
    you've talked or exposed them...and have been marked for death... This may seem ridiculous
    to you, Hatcher, but these people are for real. Your family has been marked.'

Time To Bring Out The Big Guns

Most of the movie, he's rocking the stone-washed jeans, and a black sports coat. It's the fashion equivalent to the mullet: business on top, and party on the bottom. He enhances this, already spectacular ensemble, with a Madison Avenue ponytail. Way to 'discipline your image'... man.

If you pay attention closely, you'll notice a young, Danny Trejo. No, wait, that guy was born 50 years old.

Because they are all so similar, it's completely unnecessary to review any other Steven Seagal movie, but I still might, it's all just too much fun.

Steven Seagal is a student of eastern philosophy, and appropriately enough, his movie is like the Yin-Yang symbol. MARKED FOR DEATH, simultaneously, manages to be both bad and good; striking the right balance between two opposing forces, and achieving perfection.

Final Verdict: 100 out 100

Jack Reacher

JACK REACHER
PG-13
130 Minutes
Director: Christopher McQuarrie
Writers: Lee Child, Christopher McQuarrie
Tom Cruise, Richard Jenkins, Rosamund Pike, Werner Herzog

Cast
Tom Cruise--Reacher
Rosamund Pike--Helen
Werner Herzog--The Zec
Robert Duvall--Cash

Homer: Wait, I'm confused about the movie... so the cops knew internal affairs were setting them up?
Man: What are you talking about theres nothing like that in there
Homer: Well y'see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.
THE SIMPSONS, 5F23

You Don't Know Jack

Take a close look at the opening credits. You'll see it's produced by Tom Cruise. In all fairness, this is mainly because people are weirded out by him. Just like John Travolta, the only way he can get work, is by being in his own movie.

Our story begins when a sniper kills four people. But this isn't the work of some crazed lunatic. Well it is, but it's not the one you're thinking of. The main suspect is in a coma. Jack is trying to prove this man's innocence. Powerful people framed the suspect, and Mr. Reacher has to untangle this complex web of deceit, lies, and  corruption.

Hit The Road Jack

Jack Reacher is a bad-ass:  a quick-witted dude, with the ingenuity of MacGyver. He is a drifter, but not just any drifter, one who plays by his own rules. He's like that guy on PRISON BREAK.

Helen is the lawyer representing the suspect. Tom Cruise plays one of her temporary employees, a 'paralegal' of sorts.  There's a sexual tension between these two that's impossible to ignore. While in a hotel room, very casually, Jack offs the shirt he's wearing. She tells him to put his shirt back on, but it's not very convincing. You think something will happen, but unfortunately, things have to stay PG-13.

Soon as you think you got everything figured out: Bam! It was the black guy. I knew it; he was just too gung-ho about this investigation. Filmmakers don't want to look racist. Interestingly enough, this racial bias, brings about a mammoth plot twist.

If you think Robert Duvall has played far too many old cowboys, you're in for a welcome surprise. In this movie, he plays a shooting range owner... that wears a cowboy hat.

Werner Herzog plays a brutish, criminal overlord.  As a documentary filmmaker, this is the part he was born to play: a maniacal sociopath. In this role, he's absolutely splendid.

My Criticism

Overall, this film ended too smoothly. The cop chase scene was a little too 'BLUES BROTHERS'. And with the villains, they're cunning criminals, in one moment, yet, in the next scene, they're literally like 'The 3 Stooges'. I find it difficult to suspend disbelief when people are acting so cartoonishly stupid.

JACK REACHER is just good enough to not be labeled as a bad movie. If you want to see this type of movie, except better, watch MICHAEL CLAYTON (2007).

Final Verdict: 74 out of 100

Red Dawn

RED DAWN
PG-13
114 Minutes
Director: David Bradley
Writers: Carl Ellsworth, Jeremy Passmore, Kevin Reynolds, John Milius
Josh Peck, Josh Hutcherson, Erica Martin, Jed Eckert, Dan Lewis

Who is that handsome devil? It's local TV anchor, Dan Lewis. The picture is from LIFE OR SOMETHING LIKE IT (2002). Another acting role of his. Cast
Josh Peck...Matt Eckert
Josh Hutcherson...Robert Kitner
Isabel Lucas...Erica Martin
Chris Hemsworth...Jed Eckert

Sometimes, remaking a bad movie works out.  If expectations are low to begin with, success is all but inevitable.

RED DAWN has sat on the shelf for about 2 years. The film makers were waiting for the right time to release it. But there is no right time to release this blitzkrieg on my intellectual faculties.

Walking in, all I wanted from this movie, was to see some communists get blown up. Not that terrorism is something to make light of. It's funny, but not ha-ha funny, more of a 'freaking hilarious' type funny. After his death, Kim Jong Il's brother, Menta Lee took power. And this time... it's 'no more Mr. Nice Guy'.

In this latest RED DAWN, Patrick Swayze was nowhere to be seen.  This alone is blasphemous beyond comprehension. I know he's dead, but it's no coincidence that they waited until the one, Sir Patrick Swayze was gone before starting this project. I'm not certain, it could very well be a coincidence, but maybe not. All I know is Jesse Ventura has an answer.

If I were North Korea, and planned on invading America, Spokane would be low on my list of places to make base camp. I might avoid the city altogether. They already have it bad enough living in Spokane. This  communism thing isn't for everyone.

Josh Peck usually plays dorky characters. Here he's playing a high school quarterback. Even though Josh lost a bunch of weight. He still doesn't look like much of an athlete. Not a major flaw, but it's like Sly Stallone playing a physics professor at MIT.

For those of you unfamiliar with Josh Peck. He was on the Nickelodeon sitcom, JOSH AND DRAKE (2004-2007). I'm basing this on exhaustive research. Not that I'm a regular watcher of Nickelodeon...anymore...this week.

In the original RED DAWN (1984), everything is far-fetched, but at least with the Soviets, you know they were a worthy adversary. With the North Koreans, you mostly pity them. China invading the United States, that's something that will definitely happen eventually. A Chinese invasion scenario would've made a better movie. Chinese stereotypes are funnier, and they would appeal more to RED DAWN'S target demographic: 13-year old boys with learning disabilities.

This is a bad movie remake that took itself way too seriously. Usually, I would advise against watching a movie like this. But not this time. Rent this movie, look at the special features, and you may see the real ending they forgot to put in the theatrical release.

Final Verdict: 0 out 100

The Expendables 2

THE EXPENDABLES 2
R
103 minutes
Director: Simon West
Writers: David Agosto, Ken Kaufman, Richard Wenk, Sylvester Stallone
Sylvester Stallone, Liam Hemsworth, Randy Couture

Cast
Sylvester Stallone-Barney Ross
Jean-Claude Van Damme-Vilain
Arnold Schwarzenegger-Trench
Dolph Lundgren Gunnar-Jensen
Jason Statham-Lee Christmas
Terry Crews-Hale Caesar
Randy Couture-Toll Road
 
'We're not too old for this shit.'
-Roger Murtaugh, LETHAL WEAPON 4 (1998) 

 
In a struggling economy, 'has-been' action stars have struggled to find any real acting gigs. Since they can't create another 'Planet Hollywood', they become mercenaries. They know how to beat up criminals on film, and now they must use these skills off camera to commit felonies for murderous thugs. You think they're the 'bad guys', oh, but no; it is soon revealed that secretly, they were all in cahoots with the FBI...the entire time. Think DONNIE BRASCO (1997), but on a much grander scale.

That's all made up, expect for the 'Planet Hollywood' part.  I don't have to explain to what it's about, it's irrelevant.

Because I had low expectations, I was thoroughly impressed with the first EXPENDABLES. Sequels are usually bigger, louder, and more lame.

But the great king 'Cobra', Sly Stallone, is no lame-wad.   He brings us yet another intriguing saga: a second, 'Expendables' mission.

These mercenary characters all have a tragic fate. Similar to that of Mickey Rourke's character in THE WRESTLER. He couldn't handle working in a deli. Because the only thing he knew, and loved, was professional wrestling.

I wish Chuck Bronson was still alive, only he could have improved this film. He'd walk in while Jean-Claude Van Damm was playing craps at a casino, and then shoot him in the head a couple of times. He would say,'no dice', before calmly, walking away.

What sets apart this EXPENDABLES from the first one, is having an Asian lady in the mercenary crew. I didn't notice any sexism, but Stallone kept on referring to her as 'Connie Chung' , and 'Kung Pao Chicken'.

A third 'EXPENDABLES' will get made, but let's leave it at that. Otherwise, it just becomes plain sad, most of these actors will become senor citizens very soon. This product does have an expiration date.  It's just like Sharon Stone doing BASIC INSTINCT II (2006), after becoming old and unattractive. 

 
This film will give you everything you would expect, but that's it. We've seen way too much Chuck Norris, in the past 20 years, so I'm glad he only had a small part in this. So let us engrave the Oscars ahead of time, and just cancel the awards themselves; these guys will win absolutely everything.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100

Showdown (Retro)

SHOWDOWN (1993)
R
100 Minutes
Director: Robert Radler
Writer: Stuart Gibbs
Billy Blanks, Kenn Scott, Christine Taylor

Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo
-Akon, SMACK THAT

Actors and the Characters They Portray

Billy Blanks as Billy Grant
Billy Grant starts out as a 'rookie cop'. Him and his partner, investigate a loud party. At the party, Billy accidentally kills someone, with his bare hands. The guy he killed was Lee's brother. Billy leaves the force, and becomes a school janitor.
QUOTE: 'They're hurting kids to make money, and that's wrong.'
Patrick Kilpatrick as Lee
Billy killed his brother at the beginning of the movie. This film takes place 7 years after said incident. During those 7 years, Lee develops an anger management problem; starts a Karate school, and vows to kill Billy.
QUOTE: 'Fail me, and you'll be lucky if I decide to let you live.'
Kenn Scott as Ken Marx
This new school he's attending is complete anarchy; like Dangerous Minds, without Coolio or Michelle Pfeiffer. But Ken is unphased, to say the least. He's got his sights set on Julie, but Lee is already going out with her. You know what that means? We have ourselves a movie.
QUOTE: 'Julie, I'm not going to lose this fight.'
Christine Taylor as Julie
Christine Taylor can be accurately described as, 'a poor man's Alicia Silverstone'. . Both, Ken and Tom are after Julie. They can't both date her at the same time...or can they? The answer is no.
QUOTE: 'All you ever want tell do is party or get in my pants.'
John Mallory Asher as Mike
Mike is Ken's sidekick. He's got a geeky, Anthony Michael Hall-vibe going on.
QUOTE: I wish I could put a quote here. He never said anything noteworthy.
Ken McLeod as Tom
Tom is one of Lee's karate students. He's a dumb jock, with a quick temper. Oh, I forgot, he is also the 'jealous type'.
QUOTE: 'You stay away from Julie, cuz if you don't; bad things will happen to you.'
Linda Dona as Kate
I'm still trying to figure out her place in all of this. She answers to Lee. I would call Kate a secretary/goon/lover(?). Lee told her to keep an eye on Tom; so she tries to get hired as a substitute, sex-ed teacher. I don't know how that's an official teaching position.
QUOTE: 'I'm a very powerful woman.'

Kickin' it―Old School

I can't convey the essence of this film, with mere words. This is something that you need to experience for yourself. SHOWDOWN is awful, but like Bigfoot, if you don't experience it first hand, then it's only a myth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury. I present to you this montage, which gives you a complete understanding of the entire film:

Click on view entire article to see video.
Final Verdict: 15 out of 100

MIB III

MEN IN BLACK III
PG-13
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Writers: Etan Cohen, Lowell Cunningham
Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can so I can See the light that's right before my eyes
-Corey Hart

Cast

Will Smith Agent J (Jay)
Tommy Lee Jones Agent K (Kay)
Josh Brolin Young Agent K (Kay)

Sci-Fi comedies are either great, or their awful: there is no in between. On one side, we have BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, and on the other, MY STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN.

The first MEN IN BLACK, deputed in the summer of 1997. About as good as summer blockbusters get. It had subtle, offbeat humor. Vincent D'Onofrio made the entire movie with that incredibly funny character, Edgar.

As for the sequel, MEN IN BLACK II was never actually made, due to the time traveling in MEN IN BLACK III. At least, that's what I'd like to believe.

In this latest installment, Agent J arrives in 1969 to prevent something from happening to Agent K.

Tommy Lee Jones made this film franchise believable. You take one look at him, and instinctively, you know he can keep a secret. Yet, he isn't present for most of the movie.

With TRUE GRIT, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, inevitably, Josh Brolin will fall of the pedestal I placed him on. But that day, has yet to arrive. In this movie, he completely captures the essence of Tommy Lee Jones/Agent K. With the appearance of a young Richard Nixon. Brolin portrays an authentic, younger version of Special Agent K.

MEN IN BLACK is one of the best theme songs Will Smith has ever created, it's right up there with WILD WILD WEST, and THE FRESH PRINCE BEL-AIR: kudos.

With his universal likability, some have hailed him the 'Tom Hanks of the 90s'. And even though he hasn't made many of, what people might call 'good movies': Will Smith is not disappearing any time soon. Besides, who else is going to play Barack Obama in a future movie, say, 10-15 years from now?

Watching Miss Universe competitions, it's easy to forget how small we actually are. MEN IN BLACK III is an intergalactic comedy that will bring you right back down to earth...(get it?).

Definitely a family film, and by that, I don't mean plain or inoffensive, like HITCH. Your entire family might actually enjoy this movie. Which is great, because after all, 'sometimes parents just don't understand'.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100

Sidenote: Speaking of alien life forms. There is rumor of a possible ALF movie.

I don’t believe the timing is or ever will be right for an ALF film adaptation, but if someone pulled a Morpheus and allowed me to choose the path of my existence, one in a world without an ALF movie and one with an ALF movie, I would pick the ALF movie, mostly because I’m not fond of cats.

-Paul Fusco, ALF creator

Get the Gringo

GET THE GRINGO
R
95 Minutes
Director: Adrian Grunberg
Writers: Mel Gibson, Adrian Grunberg, Stacy Perskie
Mel Gibson, Peter Stormare, Dean Norris

Father-Son Moment

Cast
Mel Gibson-Driver
Peter Stormare-Frank
Dean Norris-Bill
Kevin Hernandez-Kid
Dolores Heredia-The Kid's Mom

Once an A-list actor, Mel Gibson has now become a Hollwood outcast. In his prime, he could almost pass for normal...almost. Bigotry, mental instability, alcoholism, delusions of grandeur; have all plagued this actor/philanthropist recently. The liberal media has persecuted Mister Gibson for his beliefs; and now, you could say that's his cross to bare.

The Mel you know and love (1985-95) has come back to life, however briefly, and not for the entire duration of this movie. After some serious soul searching, 'Mad Max' came up with this feature film. Surprisingly, Get the Gringo, is in large part, financed by himself.

After a large bank heist, a career criminal evades police, and escapes into Mexico. Landing himself in a Mexican jail. The jail is more of a ghetto than a jail, with its own local economy. Family members of prisoners come and go as they please. There's rampant corruption; you could buy almost anything you wanted there, except for freedom. This criminal mastermind has no problem circumnavigating this new world. He even knows a little Spanish.

Spoiler Alert: He falls in love with Mexican lady.

An exciting film, just good mindless fun. To use the cliché, this is an action packed, non-stop thrill ride. This 'thrill ride' ends like Splash Mountain at Disneyland, but without the water. I'm referring to the contrived, stupid, non-existent ending.

Lately, I've been teaching myself Spanish. So at the very least, I knew this movie would serve an educational purpose. And for all you students of Spanish, it did serve this purpose, they spoke Spanish and displayed Spanish subtitles.

Get the Gringo will never see the dark of theaters. So I reccomend getting this from a Red Box. When you're over at a friends house, throw the DVD on the coffee table, and say:

What the hell is this doing here?
Really?
I'm embarrassed to even know you.
Still, would be funny if we watched it... all the way through.

Final Verdict: 68 out of 100

The Hunger Games

THE HUNGER GAMES

PG-13

144 Minutes

Director: Gary Ross

Writers: Gary Ross, Suzanne Collins, Billy Ray

Jennifer Lawerence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth, Stanley Tucci

The best movie featuring Ice-T and Gary Busey.                                    

CAST

Jennifer Lawrence--Katniss Everdeen

Willow Shields--Primrose Everdeen

Josh Hutcherson--Peeta Mellark

Liam Hemsworth--Gale Hawthorne

Stanley Tucci--Caesar Flickerman

Wes Bentley--Seneca Crane

Elizabeth Banks--Effie Trinket

Woody Harrelson--Haymitch Abernathy 

'With these hungry eyes. One look at you and I can't disguise. I've got hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I.'                                              -HUNGRY EYES, by Eric Carmen

'In penance for there uprising, each district shall offer up a male and a female between the ages of 12 and 18 at a public reaping.'

There are 12 districts, and only one individual lives.  A negative raffle of sorts; reminiscent of THE LOTTERY, by Shirley Jackson. Her younger sister, Primrose (Shields) got selected, but Lawrence volunteered instead.

In the country of 'Panem', which includes all North America. The largest, wealthiest, most powerful city in the entire world is named: 'The Capitol'. Yes, that is the official city name. The writers must have pulled an 'all-nighter' coming up with that one.

I'm not sure what year this is supposed to be; for all I know it could be from the past. Perhaps it's the lost civilization of Atlantis.

The inhabitants of 'The Capitol' look like extras from a Katie Perry video. Except, no one shooting with whipped cream out of their tits.

Haymitch Abernathy (Harrelson) won the games may years ago, he serves as Primrose's mentor. Woody Harrelson is always playing a burnout. It's like Jeremy Piven, he's always playing a dick...with bad hair plugs.

There's a bee hive.

So?

Stand back.

Are you crazy? You'll get stung!

-MY GIRL (1991)

That scene from MY GIRL, whereMacaulay Culkin dies (spoiler alert). They take that scene and make it much deadlier. Except in this movie, it's used as weapon to kill people on purpose. 

When the games are going on, the movie is entertaining. Which is about 35% of the film. Jennifer Lawrence's carries most of that 35 percent. 

This movie raises many 'Why' questions.

Namely:

• What planet do they live on?

• Are they in a separate, parallel universe?

• Is this parallel universe based on junk science?

• Would people really tolerate this sort of thing?

• How does their economy function?

• What was the point of all this?

THE TRUMAN SHOW, SURVIVOR, RAMBO, and JERSEY SHORE. THE HUNGER GAMES combines all of these things. Which sounds much cooler than it actually is. Stream this on Netflix, when you're hungover...and you don't have anything better to watch.

Final Verdict: 70 out of 100