This Means War
PG-13
98 Minutes
Director: McG
Writers: Timothy Dowling, Simon Kinberg, Marcus Gautesen
Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Reese Witherspoon
You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the Fourth Grade, but here we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all! One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
-SOUTH PARK, ‘Lil' Crime Stoppers’
Cast
Reese Witherspoon......Lauren
Chris Pine...............FDR Foster
Tom Hardy........................Tuck
Til Schweiger...............Heinrich
Chelsea Handler..............Trish
So their two friends…and they are dating the same woman. Yeah, I’ve seen that episode of SAVED BY THE BELL too.
Heinrich is a mob guy from Germany, that’s all we know, no back story. Kind of like ‘Happy Marcelli’ from Houseguest (1995) . He is an unhappy mob boss, and Sinbad owes him $50,000.
There is a big, covert CIA operation, all taking place in Hong Kong.
CIA Director’s instructions: Intercept and apprehend the Heinrich brothers. Secure the device, and remember this mission is covert.
Six men in the morgue, a body in the middle of the street.
But to be fair we did manage to...
Shut up!
The mission parameters for the Heinrick case were clearly indicated to be covert. Thanks to you two geniuses, Heinrick will be seeking revenge for his brothers death.
You guys are grounded.
Lauren Scott (Witherspoon) used to go out with a guy named Steve. She put her life on hold, moving to a new city, all to share forever with this man. But this grand dream of eternal love, turned into an eternal nightmare. When she caught him sleeping with his Pilates instructor.
She is a career woman now. Working as a market research analyst, she doesn’t have time to go on dates. So her friend, Trish (Handler) posts a provocative profile of her on an online dating site (It'sFate.net). Tuck ‘accidently’ stumbles on her profile.
First, Tuck goes out for coffee with her. Things go well, he comes of as incredibly charming. Things look well for this man, he's got a second date
FDR sees her at the last remaining video store in the country. They chat for a bit, she plays hard to get, and they both go their separate ways. But after stalks her for several days, she agrees to go on a date with him.
Foster takes her to a club. She walks out, almost breaking things off. He runs after her, they argue a bit. Then Steve shows up with his new girlfriend. She starts making out with FDR, to make him jealous. So their relationship begins on this rock-solid premise.
Upon discovering that they were dating the same person, they agree on some ground rules.
1. I don't think we should tell her that we know each other
2. Let's stay out of each other's way
3. No hanky panky...No hanky panky
4. If this ever starts to affect our friendship; which it won't, then we walk away.
5. Don't talk about fight club.
May the best man win...the best man for her.
It ain't no fun if the homies can't have none.
She is going out with two guys, knowing full well, that this arangement can't work in the long-term, but that's all she knows.
You did recon on my date.
They are both using CIA resources to spy on her round-the-clock. They track her every move, I mean everything. Tapping cell phones, tracking her whereabouts, movie rental habits, and accessing the fire-sprinklers in her apartment complex.
Foster used to just sleep around with many women. A flight attendant being one of his many ‘hoes in different area codes’. This flight attendant stops by, during a layover, wanting to lay all over him. But this isn't meant to be.
'I can't really do this. I met somebody.'
-Jack Handy, DEEP THOUGHTS
That's what I told you: you shouldn't date two guys at the same time.
Friends...you two know each other?
What was this some sort of bet, some sort of game?
What, to see who could get the girl first
No, no, no, let me explain.
I trusted you
Lauren Lauren...(she walks away in disgust)
Five minutes later, she picks FDR Foster.
Excels at multitasking.
FDR accidentally did his job. While cyber-stalking Lauren, he spots Heinrich (that guy is still around?) on a surveillance tape. This is the lead he wanted to stumble upon. Heinrich holds hostage, both Lauren and her friend. The film concludes with a cheezy marriage proposal. You'll never guess who the best man is.
In this story, the screenwriter isn't an artist, but more of an architect. Taking ideas from other movies, making them the foundation for this one.
They were going for a MR. AND MRS. SMITH-type film. They copied Matt Dillon’s character from THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998). The only difference is these two really do work with retards.
Final Verdict: 20 out 100
Sidenote: What the hell is the deal with guy being named F-D-R? I have never heard of anyone insisting on being called by their 3 initials. Geez, it's almost as bad as being named 'Jeramie'.