Total Recall

TOTAL RECALL
PG-13
118 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writers: Kurt Wimmer, Mark Bomback, Ronald Shusett, Dan O'Bannon
Jon Povill, Philip K. Dick
Colin Farrell, Bokeem Woodbine, Bryan Cranston

Cast
Colin Farrell ... Douglas Quaid / Hauser
Kate Beckinsale ... Lori Quaid
Jessica Biel ... Melina
Bryan Cranston ... Cohaagen
Bokeem Woodbine ... Harry
Bill Nighy ... Matthias

Joe: Hey, you guys, here's one for you. Let's say none of us were married, all right? If you could have any woman in the world, who would it be?...

Peter: Oh, like you got to ask. The chick with three knockers from TOTAL RECALL. ...

Quagmire: Hey, you know one was papier-mâché, right?

Peter: Oh, jeez, can I change my answer? Of course I know it's paper! I don't care! What's wrong with you?

 -FAMILY GUY--A FISH OUT OF WATER (2001)

I thought this was the day I was finally going to see a good Colin Farrell film. But no, one can dream though, one can dream.

TOTAL RECALL is about the parallel universe in which Al Gore became president in 2000. Just kidding, that idea is far too original to ever see the big screen.

What we have here is a remake. Just because something is redone, doesn't make it bad. I was just watching that last MADAGASCAR movie, it took them three times, and they finally got that right. I know, most impressive, indeed.

The original TOTAL RECALL (1990), was a cinematic masterpiece to behold : Ah-nold at his absolute finest. Alright, that was an exaggeration, not his best work, literally speaking. I'll just call it somewhere between TERMINATOR 2, and JINGLE ALL THE WAY.

Redoing TOTAL RECALL, would be like redoing KINDERGARTEN COP. I can just see it now...Verne Troyer, with prosthetics, would play a convincing kindergartner. The plot: fake DARE officers are selling drugs to kids during recess. Detective John Kimble needs to investigate this before another kid ODs, face down—on the soccer field.

There is no reason to enjoy the latest version of TOTAL RECALL. Sure, there are some entertaining parts, but this film takes far too a somber tone: there's not one single joke, no one even cracks a smile. The CGI is flawless, but technically speaking, so is an autotuned song.

Even in bad movies, it's fun to see another's vision of the future. But can we just let go of the hovercraft thing. I don't think humans are capable of operating a car in three dimensions. Bruce Willis did it in 5TH ELEMENT, but he's the exception, he's always the exception.

If I live long enough, perhaps someone could implant a memory of me enjoying this movie. Because implanting a memory of me not watching it, might mean I accidently stumble upon this movie one day...the destructive pattern would only repeat itself. I don't have to go any further, you've all seen ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004). 

Final Verdict: 45 out of 100