Conan the Barbarian (3D)
R
112 minutes
Director: Marcus Nispel
Writers: Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, Sean Hood, Robert E. Howard
Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Rose McGowan, Stephen Lang, Ron Perlman, Bob Sapp, Morgan Freeman (Narration)
"Hate in your heart will consume you too."
-Will Smith, Just the Two of Us
They say that if you throw shit at a wall, some of it will stick, but really—that is not always the case.
Watching Conan is like getting robbed at knife point, you replay it over and over, but you can never make sense of it all. It's just a nightmare that will always haunt you.
Morgan Freeman narrates this epic, non-penguin movie; and by my count, this marks his eighteenth narration gig. As I write this article, I see a movie preview on in the background. Apparently, Morgan Freeman is narrating/starring in Dolphin Tale, about a dolphin that loses his tail in a crab trap, but I digress.
Oh! "My moon and stars"
The ultimate bad-ass: you know him as a cast member of Stargate Atlantis. Or you might have seen him play Khal Drogo (Game of Thrones)...he was that character that died.
Conan (Momoa) is the central character and the 'plot' is based on Conan seeking vengeance for his father's death.
So who is Ron Perlman?
Ron Perlman plays Conan's father, Corin. He is murdered toward the beginning of the film. It is hard to recognize him without the prosthetics and red makeup, but he starred in both Hellboy movies.
Conan Quotes
- “Give me a clean sword and a clean foe to flesh it in.”
- "I live, I love, I slay, and I am content."
- "How many names do I need?"
- "I want your head."
- "No man should live in chains."
- "I'm the one who will follow you to hell."
- "When a barbarian feels thirst, it is a thirst for blood."
I expected this to be like a movie with Jet Li and DMX: just some serious acting ass-kicking, that's all, mindless, escapist fun. I like the first 20 minutes, but from there, it gets progressively more confusing.
The director made absolute certain that absolutely no one will enjoy this movie. It's universally unappealing, a complete failure on every level, including financially: a box-office flop, with a 70 million dollar budget.
You should watch the first one (1982); at least it acknowledged its own ridiculousness. Even Conan the Destroyer (1984) was slightly better than this film.
At one point, I lost my cell phone between some seats. The 3D glasses made finding it much more difficult. I had to get some help from one of the theater’s ‘cast members’. I found it eventually, if you were wondering.
Final Verdict: 10 out of 100
