Do You Believe?

DO YOU BELIEVE
PG-13
120 Minutes
Director: Jon Gunn
Writers: Chuck Konzelman, Cary Solomon
Ted McGinley, Mira Sorvino, Sean Astin, Alexa PenaVega

CAST

Mira Sorvino...Samantha
Sean Astin...Dr. Farell
Alexa PenaVega...Lacey
Delroy Lindo ...Malachi
Ted McGinley...Matthew
Andrea Logan White...Andrea

CHRISTMAS WITH A CAPITAL C

I had to see it for myself. Ted McGinley, starring in his own movie. Usually, he's the guy that shows up, right before a sitcom goes into the woods to die. Ted hasn't done his own movie since REVENGE OF THE NERDS. But was DO YOU BELIEVE better than REVENGE OF THE NERDS. No, but what movie is? Ted played the best, dooshy frat guy...ever, and I'm including Ryan Reynolds. Because this frat guy is really a self-hating nerd in denial; as we find out in the made-for-TV movie, REVENGE OF THE NERDS IV.

I could write a whole article on Ted McGinley. What can I say, he's a fascinating character. Ted did an adequate job on MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, and that one episode of PERFECT STRANGERS (Larry's brother). But when you show up on HAPPY DAYS, after Ron Howard leaves, people aren't going to be too fond of you. Scott Baio likes him though; the day Ted showed up to the set, miraculously, people stopped picking on him.

And Another Thing

Why couldn't they get that dad from 7TH HEAVEN to play the pastor...what's that...pedophiles can't play pastors. Well I beg to differ.

Cut Them, Mash Them, Put Them In A Stew

Sean Astin has really fallen on hard times. In this movie, he plays a doctor who hates religious types (mostly Buddhists). That's his entire character. 'Doctoring' and killing the hopes of the faithful among us. Oh, and his attorney wife, she only cares about money. Well money, and the separation of church and state. That bitch!

Wasn't I Reviewing A Movie?

Not that long ago, one religious film was released a year...max. Before this film, there were six trailers for religious movies. DJ Tanner (from FULL HOUSE, not the disc jockey) is in one of these movies. Just look at the demon children Kirk Cameron has spawned. There is no stopping him. SAVING CHRISTMAS was the least successful, and the worst movie of 2014. Yet the American public is inundated with countless bad religious movies. Men who inspire this type of madness should be banished to the Island of Misfit Mascots.

Judgement Day

I was expecting to see something unapologetically bad. But aside from the Jesus stuff, most of the content was merely bland. Surprisingly, DO YOU BELIEVE is not the worst religious movie you're going to see. Sure it was preachy, but not too preachy. And there were interesting characters and situations, but there really wasn't enough suspense. While most of the characters lives were in serious peril throughout the picture. But you knew that most of the good ones would be okay. Only two of the twelve main characters died. A thug and an unwed teenage mother. I could've told you that without actually seeing the movie. Because after all, God created a just world.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Boy Next Door (Mini-Review)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR
R
91 Minutes
Director: Rob Cohen
Writer: Barbara Curry
Jennifer Lopez, Ryan Guzman, Kristin Chenoweth

CAST
Jennifer Lopez...Claire Peterson
Ryan Guzman...Noah Sandborn
Ian Nelson...Kevin Peterson
John Corbett...Garrett Peterson

J-LO has transitioned from sex symbol to MILF. She's still pretty hot, and not even just for someone her age, but I digress. In this film, she's an English teacher who slept with a third-year senior, which happens to be her next door neighbor. Kind of like that episode of DAWSON'S CREEK, with Joshua Jackson and the English teacher, back in 1998. At least that's what my sister told me...after reading my article on the DAWSON'S CREEK Wiki page.

There is nothing redeemable about this film. I know it seems impossible, but THE BOY NEXT DOOR is much worse than I anticipated. And because of the incredibly dark subject matter, I couldn't laugh at the cheesy dialogue. After some serious consideration, I decided that you shouldn't see THE BOY NEXT DOOR. He's only ten, and I can't condone child rape, especially when that boy is mentally challenged. Shame on you for considering such a horrific act. As for the movie, THE BOY NEXT DOOR, don't see that either. Not that you have the option of actually watching it. Yeah, good luck with that. I had to watch this thing in ten-minute installments, over the course of a month. If I had to rent this at one of those video stores that used to exist, I'd have to pay 90 dollars in late fees. But it would be worth it, because I could complain about it to a human being, nay, a video store clerk. Or at least scratch up the DVD, to keep others from making the same mistake I made. But now, in the year 2015, I have no recourse. All I can do is shake my fist and shout to the heavens, figuratively speaking, in blog form.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

The Kingsman

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE
R
129 minutes
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Writers: Jane Goldman, Matthew Vaughn, Mark Millar, Dave Gibbons

CAST
Colin Firth...Harry Hart
Samuel L. Jackson...Valentine
Taron Egerton...Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin

All The King's Horses And All The Kingsmen...

Gary, a guy in his early twenties, becomes a member of the Kingsmen. This organization is a very exclusive, private sector spy agency. With an arduous training program, full of unsavory, WASPY classmates. It's a familiar dynamic, like Brendan Fraser in SCHOOL TIES. Except Brendan Fraser was Jewish, not poor. But come on, that's almost as bad. All the class warfare is easy to dismiss in the States here, but that's a very real thing in British society. Just look at the blonde kid from Harry Potter. He spent every moment trying to antagonize that dorky kid with 'glasses', nay, the dorky kid with wire frames, those glasses he wore, they didn't have any lenses. It was all just an affectation. Which made me loathe this Harry Potter character. As a result, I was kind of rooting for the blonde kid in every HARRY POTTER film. Yes, he was a dick, but he was a righteous one at that.

This movie has a classic fantasy structure. A hero with a dead father, goes on an epic quest to save the world. But none of these familiar elements detract from the film itself. KINGSMAN is a very self-aware movie. The cliché elements are satirical. 

More On Harry Potter...

This picture doesn't have too many flaws . But it is a little too fantastical at times.   Like a HARRY POTTER movie, it takes place in the present day, but there's absolutely no grounding in reality. Don't get me wrong, this film is fun, but it all feels pointless.  That being said, the sharp, self-aware humor, and the tolerable, cartoonish violence helped me forget about the meaninglessness of it all.

Back To That Movie I Was Reviewing

THE KINGSMAN is worth seeing, but don't expect anything too deep. In the words of Bill Cosby, 'all you got to do is sit back and enjoy the ride'. For clarification, I'm not talking about the comedian, I'm referring to another Bill Cosby that I went to high school with. I think he was an (alleged) serial rapist.

Final Verdict: 85 out of 100

Black or White

BLACK OR WHITE
PG-13
121 Minutes
Director: Mike Binder
Writer: Mike Binder
Kevin Costner, Bill Burr, Octavia Spencer

CAST
Kevin Costner...Elliot Anderson
Octavia Spencer...Rowena Jeffers
Jillian Estell...Eloise Anderson
Bill Burr...Rick Reynolds
Anthony Mackie...Jeremiah Jeffers

Jeremiah: Do you dislike black people?
Elliot: Not all of them.

Elliot Anderson, More Like Elliot Ness, Because Kevin Costner Was In That UNTOUCHABLES Film...Get It?

It's a rare treat, when you get an entire movie theater to yourself. Which got me thinking: is it still rude to use a smartphone if you're the only person in the theater? Kind of an interesting Zen quandary to ponder. Also, I loved yelling things at the screen like, 'quit drinking so much Kevin', and 'that's so racist'.

SWING VOTE was the last Kevin Costner film I saw voluntarily. So I noticed many interesting parallels between SWING VOTE and BLACK OR WHITE. First similarity, Kevin's character is an alcoholic. Second, his character is trying to raise a little girl on his own. Third, both feature absent mothers with drug problems. And lastly, these two films have black and white folks, not in the SCHINDLER'S LIST way either. I'm referring to race, not black and white film.

Costner's wife dies. Distraught with grief, Kevin stumbles through his days in a drunken stupor. Which is understandable. But it takes much more time than it should for him to sober up. Considering he's in the middle of a contentious custody battle.

Even with all its flaws, this movie has a strong conclusion. I'll give it that. And for a moment, I could see that Kevin Costner tried to make an honest statement on race relations in America. But his good intentions didn't make for a good movie. Things got crazy, and bizarre toward the end of the film. I love the knife fight/drowning of Kevin Costner scene. Ghost wife brought him up for air, or so it seemed. And the final custody hearing was straight out of an episode of NIGHT COURT. Many jokes were sprinkled throughout the court proceedings. Costner goes on a long diatribe about racial prejudice. The entire courtroom erupted in laughter, and applause. Gavel, gavel, order in the court...case dismissed. Elliot Ness gets custody. But it was all for nothing. Just outside the courtroom, the kid got hit by a car...just kidding. I really had you going there.

BLACK OR WHITE is superb. I like the part where Michael Jackson is on the Statue of Liberty. Oh, what's that? I'm thinking of a music video. Aahh geez, I hate when this happens. This is like BOYZ-N-THE-HOOD all over again; and to make things more confusing, both the movie, and the music video had Ice Cube.

In conclusion, if you want to see a film about race relations, I recommend watching PADDINGTON. The bear is brown, and the Brown (surname) family that he stays with is white. If the human race and the bear race can coexist peacefully. Then there is hope for everyone, even Kevin Costner. Additionally, Sally Hawkins is absolutely marvelous in everything she does.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

American Sniper

AMERICAN SNIPER
R
132 Minutes
Director: Clint Eastwood
Writers: Jason Hall, Chris Kyle, Scott McEwen, James Defelice
Bradley Cooper, Kyle Gallner, Ben Reed, Elise Robertson

CAST
Bradley Cooper...Chris Kyle
Ben Reed...Wayne Kyle
Elise Robertson...Debbie Kyle

Since childhood, Chris Kyle was a sniper of impeccable accuracy. So when September 11th hit, he knew it was time to put his talents to use. That's right, Chris Kyle is going with Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis to a Duck Hunt competition in California. They don't have a lot of money, so they have to hustle random strangers at convenience stores...that have Duck Hunt. I'm kidding though, AMERICAN SNIPER isn't that much fun. No this film is about a killer who hunts homeless people for sport.

The Reel Story

At the age of 30, Chris Kyle becomes a Navy Seal. He fights for our freedom, over in Iraq. From here, everything unfolds as you would expect. Except the ending, there isn't one.

I want to see a film where Chris Kyle goes all RAMBO on us. He'd be unstoppable, Brian Dennehy would go berserk. Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about a live action movie version of the Atari game, BERSERK. Dennehy would dress up in a giant smiley face costume to play 'Evil Otto'. Oh, I got another one: Chris Kyle plays a pioneer in OREGON TRAIL...THE MOVIE. His character dies early on, because muskets aren't very accurate. Catching dysentery didn't help either. It severely weakens him, and he couldn't put up much of a fight when he got mauled by that pack of mutant timberwolves.

This movie isn't very good, and everyone is pretending it is. Am I the only one with the audacity to fuck with a navy seal. Just because a movie has a war hero, doesn't make it good. Remember that fake movie in the middle of INGLORIOUS BASTERDS...well ...it was actually pretty good, but that's the exception that proves the rule. I suppose Nazi propaganda is difficult to mess up.

Of this year's Oscar nominees, AMERICAN SNIPER is the worst. If there was a category for best sniper film, I'd give it to Wesley Snipes in EXPENDABLES 3, for his precision knife-throwing 'sniping'. AMERICAN SNIPER gets second prize in my category.

Should I (I Meaning You, The Reader) See This Film?

First, Iraq War veterans steer clear, you've seen this one already. Secondly, Bradley Cooper fans shouldn't see this. Unfortunately, in AMERICAN SNIPER he plays someone else who isn't Bradley Cooper. And lastly, if you like first-person shooters, visit a meadow somewhere, and put some AMERICAN SNIPER DVDs in a clay pigeon thrower. Grab your rifle, and shoot some DVDs. If you miss your target, no biggie, I'm sure one of those discs will kill a bird. Can't feel too bad about delicious collateral damage.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Taken 3

TAKEN 3
PG-13
111 Minutes
Director: Oliver Megaton
Writers: Lucy Besson, Robert Mark Kamen

CAST                                                   Liam Neeson...Bryan Mills Forrest Whitaker...Franck Dotzler Maggie Grace...Kim Mills Dougray Scott...Stuart St. John Dylan Bruno...Smith

The Russians Are Coming

To state the obvious cliché, good things really do come in threes. There are so many good ones, where do we start. THE GODFATHER, BACK TO THE FUTURE, and THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES come to mind. But regardless of quality, third films never do well. Probably because you can only find them at 7-11. Additionally, I think people recognize these movies for what they are: cash grabs.

TAKEN 3 is about Bryan Mills, an ex-CIA operative who's framed for jaywalking...I mean murdering his ex-wife. I think this involves a life insurance scam by the ex-wife's new husband. Without his ex-wife's murder, I think it's safe to say Bryan would have rekindled his old marriage. Which is why this story is so tragic.

I'm surprised Liam Neeson signed on for this project. If my wife died, I wouldn't make movies that remind me of that fact...everyday, for six months. Neeson constantly makes movies to avoid his complex emotional issues. Since he probably has the last say on the final screenplay. Why the man would choose to torture himself is beyond me. Perhaps it's therapeutic in some way. Or maybe a producer is holding one of his real kids hostage, until Liam repays his gambling debts.

The daughter doesn't seem like she was kidnapped, or 'tooken', for very long. Also, toward the end of the film, a gun is held to her head, but that's it. She's pregnant, so I suppose the daughter is kidnapping her own child. Or maybe the wife got,kidnapped, before getting killed, but that's just wild speculation I don't know that it actually happened. We shouldn't have to get bogged down in semantics to understand a film.

Liam Neeson is a white, modern-day, Denzel Washington. Like EQUALIZER-BOOK OF ELI Denzel. He's capable of assassinating world leaders and/or foiling terrorist plots. But not without a Life Alert necklace. Because now he's an older, reluctant, all-around-badass. An action packed day, full of ass-kicking, now requires about a month of rest on a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed.

If you haven't seen the first or second TAKEN installments, I recommend seeing TAKEN 3. If they are all the same movie anyway. I guess it doesn't matter which one you see. All of them are equally predictable and bland. I'm saying don't watch this movie, unless a loved one is kidnapped by Russian gangsters, and you lack the CIA know-how to get her back. But even then, TAKEN 3 is going to be the most strenuous homework assignment you're ever going to do.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Interview

THE INTERVIEW
R
112 Minutes
Director: Evan Goldberg, Seth Rogen
Writers: Dan Sterling, Seth Rogen, Evan Goldberg

CAST James Franco...James Skylark Seth Rogen...Aaron Rapaport Lizzy Caplan...Agent Lacey Randall Park...President Kim

Blowing The Mind Of Kim Jung-un...Without A Chronic Sack

THE INTERVIEW has a simple plot. A tabloid journalist (Franco) scores an interview with Kim Jung-un, and he works with the CIA to kill this leader of North Korea. 

I don't know if James Franco plays a convincing Mario Lopez. Because we know he's a college professor in real life. And the  professor thing is just a side gig. It's like Louie Anderson playing Tracey Gold in FOR THE LOVE OF NANCY.

Seth Rogen is the producer of the tabloid show. He's the voice of reason in a clusterfuck of craziness. That is until he tried to put the moves on the hot chief of propaganda. That part is more boring than you think.

I don't want to look like a raving, fanatical  bureaucrat, but last time I checked, assassinating world leaders is illegal. And I have a hard time believing that the CIA would break international law, to stop a benevolent dictator from oppressing the people of North Korea. I'm docking points, because this assassination plot should be discussed with other members of the UN, before it gets bottled up in committee by a Russian delegate. 

If you haven't seen THE INTERVIEW yet,  shame on you. It's your patriotic duty to see this deeply flawed comedy. Best case scenario: after a bloody, HUNGER GAMES-style revolution, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea becomes a beacon of democracy, and prosperity. Worst case scenario: thermonuclear war, leaving only teenage mutant ninja cockroaches to repopulate our planet. All because of an otherwise forgetful stoner comedy. THE INTERVIEW may not be a great film, but it's definitely an important one.  Fifty years from now, Seth Rogen's picture will be in kids history books, nay, history holographic readers, with scratch-and-sniff technology so powerful, your grandchildren will suffer irreversible brain damage from the contact high.

This movie suffers because the main character isn't very likable. I can't relate to third-world dictator. Kim Jung-un is a total buzzkill. But at least he speaks perfect English. It'd be a shame if I had to read subtitles, while I'm completely baked.

You should see THE INTERVIEW. Not now, of course. Wait for it on basic cable. Flip it on during the commercials, when your watching ROAD HOUSE on CMT for the twelfth time...this month. 

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Saving Christmas

SAVING CHRISTMAS
PG
80 Minutes
Director: Darren Doane
Writers: Darren Doane, Cheston Hervey
Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron

CAST                                           Bridgette Cameron...Bridgette Ridenour. Kirk Cameron...Kirk Darren Doane...Christian

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I went to the movies to see SAVING CHRISTMAS. I didn't want to miss it. By the time you read this, the movie won't be playing in theaters anymore. But when I got there I saw that the film showing was canceled that day. Because no one bought tickets to see it. The next day, I bought my ticket ahead of time. It's a good thing I did. People were packed inside as tight as a blunt rolled by 2pac. I could barely move, with the other four people in the theater bumping into me. Beforehand, I knew SAVING CHRISTMAS would be bad. Like going swimming 30 miles across the Amazon, knowing it's full of hungry piranhas. So I braced myself, and took the plunge. SAVING CHRISTMAS makes THE DOG WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS look like CITIZEN KANE.

Captain Kirk starts off casually sitting next to a fire, sipping cocoa, lecturing everyone on the importance of Christmas. Ten minutes later, the real movie begins. Kirk has to convince his cynical brother-in-law that Christmas is special, AND to quit acting like a total dick to his sister. This is illustrated with biblical stories. It ends with the brother-in-law realizing how special Christmas really is.

Kirk's real sister plays Christian's wife, and she looks 20 years older than the husband. This cradle robbing business is so distracting. It's all I thought about the whole film. These two people as a couple? Eeew, that's gross.

IS THIS AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAY?

This film had no coherent narrative or story arc. And it jumps to bizarre, unfounded conclusions. SAVING CHRISTMAS ends with a hip-hop dance routine.

If I made a movie this bad, I'd say the proceeds go to blind, orphan kids That way people might feel bad for craping on it. Especially around the holidays

I feel like SAVING CHRISTMAS will be a portion of a Werner Herzog documentary on Kirk Cameron. The documentary ends with Kirk going on a homicidal killing spree. Cue the GROWING PAINS theme, and roll credits.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm deducting 20 points from Kirk Cameron's next movie...unless it a GROWING PAINS reunion show. That, I'm cool with. Although it's not really a reunion without Boner.

Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

HUNGER GAMES: MOCKINGJAY - PART 1
PG-13
123 Minutes
Director: Francis Lawrence
Writer: Peter a Craig, Danny Strong, Suzanne Collins
Jennifer Lawrence, Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman

CAST
Jennifer Lawrence...Katniss Everdeen
Willow Shields...Primrose Everdeen
Josh Hutcherson...Peeta Mellark
Julianne Moore...President Alma Coin
Stanley Tucci...Caesar Flickerman
Jeffrey Wright...Beetee
Philip Seymour Hoffman...Plutarch Heavensbee
Woody Harrelson...Haymitch Abernathy

Welcome To The Machine

For John Candy it was WAGONS EAST, and for Chris Farley it was ALMOST HEROES. MOCKINGJAY (Parts 1 and 2) is Philip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. There's one thing I'm certain of: Hoffman wants to be remembered only for this movie, nothing else.

I like how this film didn't actually center on the Hunger Games themselves. The key players aren't kids anymore. This means less awkward, romantic scenes. Also, most of the young children have been vaporized in the bombing by the ruling government. Which is great. No, no, no...hear me out. Okay, I realize I might be stirring up controversy here, but I don't approve of bombing children. It's great because I didn't have to see kids vaporized on-screen. All the action took place off-screen.

MOCKINGJAY focuses on overthrowing the government of Panem. Now that's something I can get behind. This revolution is in the Pre-Stalin, Post- Bolshevik stage. Julianne Moore is the Lenin figure. Right here, it's tempting to give a ten page, in-depth analysis, on the Marxist overtones in THE HUNGER GAMES. But that will have to wait for another time. I don't know why I'm just noticing this now. But all the people in THE HUNGER GAMES have very made-up-sounding names. Jeffrey Wright plays one of the black characters. His name is Beetee. The funny thing is when you say that name it sounds like B-E-T. I don't know which is more racist: his name or the fact that there's only two black characters in the movie. What I liked most was how Lenny Kravitz wasn't in this film, because of his tragic death in the last HUNGER GAMES. You could hear everyone in the theater groan after the movie was finished. Don't leave us a '...to be continued' TV episode. Because this movie doesn't stand well on its own. You can make MOCKINGJAY into two parts, but give us some closure in PART 1. I know I could read the book, but that book was made for 13-year-old girls, and I'm not allowed in the Young Adult section at Barnes and Noble...anymore. Furthermore, unlike the book, A HUNGER GAMES film is a piece of art. All that being said, I was thoroughly entertained. Until the conclusi...

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Dumb and Dumber To

DUMB AND DUMBER TO
PG-13
109 Minutes
Director: Farrelly Brothers
Writers: Sean Anders, Mike Cerrone, Bobby Farrelly, Peter Farrelly, John Morris, Bennett Yellin

View fullsize

CAST 
Jeff Daniels...Harry Dunne
Jim Carrey...Lloyd Christmas
Rob Riggle...Travis/Captain Lippincott
Laurie Holden...Adele

'Do you worry at all about being typecast? At all. I mean, do you worry about always being the guy in the toilet? I mean....Jeff 'Diarrhea Head' Daniels.' 
-SNL, Season 20 Episode 10 (Chris Elliot)

This reviewer is not afraid to admit he likes Jim Carrey movies. I don't care if Matthew Broderick killed the guy in Ireland, it was an accident. The original Dumb and Dumber was the funniest movie ever made. As for DUMB AND DUMBERER, the prequel...Let's pretend that was never made.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize that Jim Carey hasn't made a good movies since ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.  Yes, 'blessed are those who forget'; they don't have to remember those awful films.

DUMB AND DUMBER TO continues 20 years later. For some reason, Jim Carrey feels compelled to wear a really bad wig. Anyway, Harry and Lloyd are looking for Harry's long lost daughter.  This is where the very long and pointless journey begins. They find the daughter, and her adoptive father is wealthy. This man's attractive wife is trying to kill him, for all his money. That's it, plot-wise. You wait your whole life for this moment, when you walk into a movie theater, to see the sequel to DUMB AND DUMBER. It's all very disappointing, the entire mess of a film. An unsatisfying,  cliché-riddled sequel. 

Part of me senses Jeff Daniels didn't put enough effort into this movie. I can just see it now, Jeff is in bed, with his reading glasses on. He has two scripts on the nightstand. One is for THE NEWSROOM, and the other is for DUMB AND DUMBER TO. Is he really going to be looking over the script for this film, while huffing paint to get into character? You're dumber than Harry and Lloyd if you think so.

There were more funny gags than most films. But the jokes weren't the problem. DUMB AND DUMBER TO lacked the heart and soul of the first one, and it wasn't as funny. I guess what I'm really yearning for is a John Hughes movie experience. So this Thanksgiving I recommend watching PLANES TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES instead.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Interstellar

INTERSTELLAR
PG-13
169 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writers: Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan

CAST Ellen Burstyn...Murph (older) Matthew McConaughey...Cooper Mackenzie Foy...Murph (10 Yrs.) John Lithgow...Donald  Timothée Chalamet...Tom (15 Yrs.)

'I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is.'             -ZOOLANDER (Derek Zoolander)

Well, I'm all out of Matthew McConaughey jokes, and my previous jokes don't seem relevant anymore.I don't know of any other ditzy blondes that magically transformed into talented actors. Except for maybe Zachery Ty Bryan.

INTERSTELLAR is about a guy that goes into a worm hole to save humanity. I like how the worm hole is in Saturn, that's my favorite planet, car, and gaming system. Unfortunately, this planet is not Saturn, it's not even Europa. This guy needs to find a habitable planet, or humanity is doomed. So Mr. Cooper and a hot female astronaut go at it, and they start a Mormon-sized family. Fast-forward several thousand years, and we have a planet of only beautiful people. I wish it weren't so, but I was joking about the last part, with Planet McConaughey.

This movie didn't get too technical. I'm sure there were plenty of scientific inaccuracies. Just check Neil DeGrasse Tyson's Twitter feed...no go ahead, check it, and then come back to my review...I'll wait. Rather the story is more humanistic. The closest film to this movie is CONTACT. Like CONTACT, INTERSTELLAR is fixated on the father-daughter bond. But unlike CONTACT, Matthew McConaughey plays a smart person. Like Carl Sagan smart. I know McConaughey has had a bit of a renaissance, career-wise, but does this film have to be released right after those Lincoln commercials? I need a stepping stone for suspending disbelief. This stepping stone could be a movie, where he plays a teacher, or a mattress tester. But hopping from Lincoln commercials to this INTERSTELLAR business, that is really asking too much. 

INTERSTELLAR takes place over a century. I don't understand why LCD technology hasn't changed much in those 100+ years. In a big budget film, it wouldn't take much to add holographic, CGI computer monitors. This issue isn't a big deal, but it was a little distracting. 

This film falls short of CONTACT, and 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY. But not by much. There's no way you're going to see a better science-fiction movie this year, or a century from now.

Final Verdict: 90 out of 100

Up and running again

Looks like everything is running smoothly after the upgrade. Thanks for your patience.

-E Dunn

The Judge

THE JUDGE
R
141 Minutes
Director: David Dobkin
Writers: Nick Schenk, Bill Dubuque, David Dobkin

CAST Robert Downey Jr...Hank Palmer Robert Duvall...Joseph Palmer Vera Farmiga...Samantha Powell Billy Bob Thornton...Dwight Dickham Vincent D'Onofrio...Glen Palmer

'...judge not lest ye be judged.'
-THE BIBLE, (Somewhere In The Back)

Judge Reinhold was riding high after the SANTA CLAUSE trilogy. But his addiction to huffing all that copier toner was taking a huge toll on his health. So Tim Allen and Steve Gutenberg held an intervention. And Judge got the help he needed at Passages Malibu. But then he relapsed two years later, breaking into a Xerox plant at 2 AM, one Friday night. Authorities found him passed out on the warehouse floor, looking like an Al Jolson character. During the court proceedings, there was a lot of confusion with the real judge, and the man named Judge. Kind of like an Abbott and Costello bit.

Judges have to be judged from time-to-time. Back in March, Judge Joe Brown was held in contempt of court, and sentenced to five days in jail. What's this have to do with the movie? Nothing, I just found it funny. Pardon my digression.

The Real Movie

After the mother dies, the Palmer Family reunites at her funeral. Several, days after the funeral, Judge Palmer ran over a motorcyclist, and left him for dead, allegedly. The death of the mother and the motorcycle incident with seem unrelated, at first glance. But are they? THE JUDGE is about the trial that ensues afterward.

Joseph Palmer was a judge for 42 years. He has three sons visiting him. As for that fourth son, Robert, that remains a mystery.

It's a good thing his city-slicker attorney, son can save his father from prison...all pro bono...that's not true, more like pro bonner, the way Hank is stickin' it to pops. Seriously though, Hank charged his father, but at a discount.

You feel like you knew this Hank character already. He's Slick lawyer that would defend anyone for a paycheck. Kind of like Tony Danza in FAMILY LAW, John Larroquette from NIGHT COURT, or Jim Carey from LIAR LIAR.

There is nothing wrong with the acting. Which means the story was the problem. The screenplay could have been more compelling. There wasn't enough focus on any major subject. Everything felt so tangential. I don't know anything about the Judge's mentally challenged son. Or the daughter Hank didn't know he had.

Vincent D'Onofrio was superb. Although it didn't seem like it at first. His character was this dull, average guy. But underneath this plain exterior, Glen has a deep well of unconditional love for his deeply flawed family members. The genuine brotherly moment between Hank and Glenn transformed a film from just okay, to good. At least I think so, I’ll let you be the judge.

Final Verdict: 80 out of 100

Necessary Roughness (Retro)

NECESSARY ROUGHNESS (1991)
PG-13
108 Minutes
Director: Stan Dragoti.
Writers: Rick Natkin, David Fuller

CAST
Scott Bakula...Paul Blake Hector Elizondo...Ed Gennero Robert Loggia...Coach Wally Rig Larry Miller...Dean Phillip Elias Sinbad...Professor Andre Krimm

MAKING THE QUANTUM LEAP

Less preposterous than MAJOR LEAGUE III: BACK TO THE MINORS, where Scott Bakula played a baseball player in his 40s; NECESSARY ROUGHNESS is about a 34-year old who gets to play a college quarterback. All because of a technicality. I think it's the same technicality that allows angels and golden retrievers to play competitive football.

Texas State University has a shortage of eligible players. So all the Armadillo players have to play offense and defense.

BACK TO SCHOOL: RODNEY DANGERFIELD STYLE

The cast of 90210 were all pretty old, but  there was only one actor in their 30s, Andrea, and she wasn't around very often either (I know, technically, she was only 29 when the show started...freshman year). But in this movie, just when you came to terms with the 34-year-old quarterback. We are asked to suspend disbelief once again.  Sinbad shows up, he's a chemistry professor, working on a PHD, yet he has enough stamina to play offensive, and defensive football.

GARBAGE PICKING FIELD GOAL KICKING PHENOMENON

Kathy Ireland is the greatest actor...ever. Yeah, she's a girl, and a field goal kicker...get used to it.

Larry Miller plays the classic college dean as only he can play. Like he did in those NUTTY PROFESSOR films. This dean is always menacingly, watching the football team. That asshole thinks academics are more important than sports. Don't worry though, he gets his. Right before the credits roll, a gun was pointed at his head (that's not a joke).

Rob Schneider made a cameo. Well, it was more like several cameos. But things are not as bad as they seem. I can deal with a pre-DEUCE BIGALOW Rob Schneider. Because he never attempts to make any jokes, from what I can tell anyway.

MEN OF A CERTAIN AGE

In this role, Scott Bakula looks more ridiculous than Payton Manning in a Papa John's commercial. With his jersey tucked into his jeans. Nonetheless, this movie has its moments, but not too many. I think it was because Scott Bakula starred in QUANTUM LEAP, while this film was getting made.

'DILLOS...MORE LIKE DILDOS

Football movies are either good or very bad. For every FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, or VARSITY BLUES, you have terrible counterparts. Like THE REPLACEMENTS, or WILDCATS. But NECESSARY ROUGHNESS performs a rare feat, and manages to keep things at the 50-yard line, being neither good, nor bad, nor memorable.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

Left Behind

LEFT BEHIND
PG-13
110 Minutes
Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Jerry B. Jenkins, Tim LaHaye, Paul Lalonde, John Patus

CAST
Nicolas Cage...Rayford Steele
Lea Thompson...Irene Steele
Chad Michael Murray...Buck William

LEFT BEHIND is a biopic of Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes, before TLC, when she worked at a gentleman's club. No, I'm only joking, but my fictional movie would be better than the real LEFT BEHIND.

Walking in, I thought I'd be in an empty movie theater. Where I could just kick up my feet and live tweet through the movie. But no, the theater was filled to about 25 percent capacity. Ben Affleck's movie was sold out. So I think that may have factored into this equation

Anyone who has seen FULL HOUSE knows all the episodes end the same way. There's serious music playing, while Danny lectures Stephanie on the dangers of cigarette smoking. LEFT BEHIND felt like an extended version of a FULL HOUSE ending. Which includes one prolific, father-daughter hug session at the end. For the record, I'm not hating on FULL HOUSE, I'm just pointing out the worst part of the show. So please, no angry emails.

WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?

Kirk Cameron was right, the rapture has begun. Maybe I'm the cause of this, with all those impure thoughts I've had about Mrs. Butterworth.

Everyone under the age of 18 disappears spontaneously. To heaven? Perhaps, but physical bodies disappeared as well.  Souls go up to heaven, people don't. So I don't understand where the physical bodies went. It's like in ENVY (yeah, don't watch that movie). Jack Black invented Vapoorize. It made dog crap disappear into thin air. But the dog crap went somewhere? We never find out.

Some of LEFT BEHIND feel Stephen Kingish. If you pay attention closely, you'll notice hints of THE LANGOLIERS, scattered about the film. Like the part where a bunch of people spontaneously disappear on an airplane.

Part of the movie took place at the hospital where I was born, just outside Garden City, New York (not really though, this movie was filmed entirely in Louisiana). LEFT BEHIND makes Long Islanders look horrible. If children spontaneously disappeared, we wouldn't start murdering each other.We would start looting iPads, Sean John wear, and pharmaceuticals. Even the looting would only last so long. Without children people would be too depressed to do much of anything.

LEFT BEHIND is offensive to religious and non-religious people. No one should be subjected to Nick Cage's worst movie.  In the real rapture, this film would start playing in every movie theater.

Final Verdict: 2 out of 100

Stone Cold (Retro)

STONE COLD (1991)
R
92 Minutes
Director: Craig R. Baxley
Writer: Walter Doniger

CAST
Brian Bosworth... John Stone
Lance Henriksen... Chains Cooper
William Forsythe... Ice
Arabella Holzbog...Nancy
Sam McMurray... Lance

I know you wish you could be me

Cuz when I ride my hog the girls get freaky

They hear us comin from a mile away

We hella clean; we ridin in style today
 -Too $hort, HOG RIDIN

WHO'S THE BOZ?

With football season upon us, I think I have an excuse to review STONE COLD. There are so many former football players who made a successful transition into the world of acting. Terry Bradshaw was in that Matthew McConaughey movie. Also, there's Dan Marino in ACE VENTURA. And let's not forget about LL Cool J. After a career ending injury, when he played for the Raiders. LL became a nanny for a single mom...No, wait, that was a TV show.

Brian Bosworth was a linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks in the late 80s. Until Johnny Manziel came around, 'The Boz', was the most obnoxious athlete to have ever existed. Bosworth, after three seasons, tried taking his talents to the field of acting. On his first film, Brian leaves us with one hell of a movie.

Joe Huff is a police officer like no other. He plays by his own rules. So it's a big surprise, when he gets suspended, after shooting a bunch of criminals down in a grocery store. (yes, that does sound like the beginning of COBRA). To get his old job back as a police officer, Joe is forced to work for the FBI. Which involves infiltrating an all-powerful, southern biker gang.

Sam McMurray is Joe's FBI partner. He's the Danny Glover of the partnership (sensible, uptight, and a complete square). I must say  when Sam took this role, career-wise, things were going swimmingly for him. A couple WHO'S THE BOSS episodes, and then STONE COLD. All in the same year.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD

This film only features motorcycle stunts, ass-kicking, and snide remarks  ...which is all perfectly executed. This film is good, I'm talking ROADHOUSE-good.

If you're ever feeling bad about yourself, watch this movie on YouTube, perhaps while consuming a bottle of Boones Farm.

So in continuing with the football player-actor theme, next week I'll be reviewing FIRESTORM, with Howie Long. Only if I can get through the movie though. Keep your fingers crossed.

Final Verdict: 60 out of 100

Sidenote: I'm giving about 30 points extra credit here. I believe anyone who hates John Elway that much deserves some credit, even if they're in a bad movie.

Let's Be Cops

LET'S BE COPS
R
104 Minutes
Director: Luke Greenfield
Writers: Luke Greenfield, Nicholas Thomas

CAST                                                    Jake Johnson...Ryan                  Damon Wayans Jr...Justin
Rob Riggle...Segars
Nina Dobrev...Josie

'We live in a society of laws.  Why do you think I took you to all those POLICE ACADEMY movies?  For fun?  Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing!  Did you?!  Except at that guy who made sound effects. Where was I?  Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.'          -Homer, THE SIMPSONS (3F07)

Just like with that BATTLESHIP movie, it seems like someone came up with the LET'S BE COPS title before writing the screenplay. I've never seen a movie so unapologetically bland, and middle-of-the-road. It's the film equivalent to Hootie and the Blowfish's, I ONLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 

Ryan and Justin are a couple of 'regular guys' in their early 30s, who, like the title suggests, decide to imitate police officers.

This movie isn't supposed to be realistic. Any scheme like this would land you on DATELINE or in a penitentiary. These fake cops walked around in generic uniforms, without the proper patches. You can't overlook these details. Don't half-ass it, because people will notice.  When I dressed up as Fox Mulder for a costume party, I spent an hour at Kinko's trying to make a realistic-looking TV-FBI badge. It's too bad I didn't look like David Duchovny though, with my beard and all.

Kevin James, Seth Rogen, and Kevin Hart played security guards who wanted to be police officers. The cadets in POLICE ACADEMY, weren't real police officers. And one could argue Batman was just a wannabe cop, who couldn't pass a psychological evaluation. LET'S BE COPS runs contrary to all previous cop-imitator films. These men only care about looking like cops. Nonetheless, Justin and Ryan find themselves having to enforce laws, in the process of trying to pick up women. Picking up women would be easier if you pretended to be a fireman. They've done real studies on this. Additionally, it's easier to lie about being a fireman. And people don't hate you as much.

Even with all my criticism, I still feel most people have been too hard on this film. Yeah, it was predictable, and the characters weren't very interesting. But there was some nice action, and ttfm rd ga few segments of engaging cinema. So LET'S BE COPS won't make you laugh, but it won't piss you off either. You'll leave the theater,  just shrugging your shoulders, never thinking about this movie again.

Final Verdict: 50 out of 100

The Prince

THE PRINCE
R
93 Minutes
Director: Brad A Williams
Writers: Andre Fabrizio, Jeremy Passmore

CAST Bruce Willis…Omar                                    John Cusack…Sam                              Andara Holt…Candice                         Jessica Lowndes …Angela                          50 Cent…The Pharmacy                       Jason Patric…Paul

WHAT UP GANGSTA?

Normally, movies this bad go straight to video. But this one deified the odds, and got a wide release. I watched THE PRINCE, because 50 Cent was in the credits. The same way I saw EXIT WOUNDS because of DMX (I knew Steven Seagal couldn't carry such an ambitious piece of art on his own). But 50 is in the movie for less than five minutes, and his performance left my hunger for hardcore-gangsta-shit, unsatiated.

THE TITLE

THE PRINCE is a bad title for a film. Because I can't tell what it's about. It could be about the musician, Prince. Or the 'Fresh Prince', Will Smith. Or it could be based on the book by Niccolò Machiavelli. But most likely, I would think THE PRINCE is about the son of King Ralph. Yes, there are countless possibilities, but this movie isn't a likely one. To eliminate confusion, I propose ESCAPE FROM LA for the title. Because the main character is trying to leave Louisiana.

This film is about Paul, a man who has lost touch with his drug-addled, college dropout, daughter. So he searches for her in New Orleans. But there's a twist. Paul used to be a successful criminal. That is, until he accidentally blew up Bruce Willis's wife, and five-year-old daughter in a car bomb. Bruce Willis wants his revenge...on the viewing audience...I mean Paul's daughter. And rightly so, the protagonist seems like (and you'll have to excuse my language here) a big jerk. So why would I want to root for Paul?

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS

Just stop it Bruce, with the bad movies, where you play criminal masterminds. You're turning into a non-entertaining Christopher Walken. I suggest you start doing those Seagram's wine cooler commercials again.

THE PRINCE has more shooting than a Perseids meteor shower (that's a super-dorky reference that flew right over your head). The dialogue here serves only to initiate violence. And don't get me wrong, my sensibilities aren't delicate, I don't mind gratuitous violence. But the violence here does nothing for the film, it's not even cartoonish, or funny, like in COMMANDO or NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

I recommend burning down any theater playing this movie, INGLORIOUS BASTERDS-style. Not literally of course. I don't want you to shoot people with automatic weapons. Because this needs to look like an accident.

Final Verdict: 10 out of 100

Sidenote: John Cusack looks like Nick Cage with down syndrome.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PG-13 101 Minutes Director: Jonathan Liebesman Writers: Josh Appelbaum, Andre Nemec

CAST Megan Fox...April O'Neil Will Arnett...Vernon Fenwick William Fichtner...Eric Sacks Alan Richson...Raphael Noel Fisher...Michelangelo Jeremy Howard...Donatello Johnny Knoxville...Leonardo (voice). Tony Shalhoub...Splinter (voice) Tohoru Masamune...Shredder

HEROES IN A HALF SHELL?

I vividly remember seeing the original NINJA TURTLES. I saw the movie at an old-fashioned theater with uncomfortable, wooden seats. And I remember that my parents were too cheap to by any concessions. I loved the movie itself; it left an indelible impression on my very soul.

I've waited two years for this latest reincarnation of THE TEENAGE NINJA TURTLES. Michael Bay produced this movie, which why I had high hopes: an overgrown man-child should know how to do the Ninja Turtles right, if nothing else.

I am just going to start with my overall impression of the picture. I found it too quick, and intense. There just wasn't enough time to get emotionally attached to the characters. Sure, there were great moments. And by no means was this film awful. But I was looking for a life-changing experience, and I didn't get one.

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

There is far too much Whoopi Goldberg in this movie, and by that I mean any amount. Seriously though, Whoopi appears very briefly as Miss O'Neil's boss.

Tony Shalhoub does Splinter's voice. Really? The guy from WINGS. That's not realistic, it's insulting and incredibly distracting. Because everyone knows that Splinter learned broken English from a Japanese guy. We need someone like Pat Mortia or David Carradine. Steven Seagal maybe?

'BANDANNA ON MY FACE LIKE A GANGSTER'

No complaints on the soundtrack. As far as anthropomorphic, turtle movie soundtracks go, this is the best you'll find. That 'SHELL SHOCKED' song is about as gangsta as Al Capone. All that being said, I got to doc points for the lack of Vanilla Ice...I'm sorry.

TMNT is the best Nickelodeon movie since GOOD BURGER, and yes, that does include THE WILD THORNBERRYS film. I recommend seeing this, not because it's so great, but mainly because I want more NINJA TURTLES movies to be made. They'll get it 'radical'...next time.

ALSO...

Check out the recent TURTLE POWER documentary on the history of The Ninja Turtles. The geekier you are, the more you'll enjoy it.

Final Verdict: 40 out of 100

Sidenote: the character 'Casey Jones' was based on 'Jack Burton' from BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA.

Expendables 3

EXPENDABLES 3
PG-13
126 Minutes
Director: Patrick Hughes
Writers: Sylvester Stallone, Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt, Dave Callaham

CAST
Sylvester Stallone...Barney Ross
Jason Statham...Lee Christmas
Jet Li...Yin Yang
Antonio Banderas...Galgo
Wesley Snipes ...Doc
Dolph Lundgren...Gunner Jensen
Mel Gibson...Conrad Stonebanks
Harrison Ford...Max Drummer
Arnold Schwarzenegger...Trench

SAVED BY THE BELL: THE NEW CLASS Meets SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLLEGE YEARS

Another year, another EXPENDABLES movie.  I suppose this can't go on forever, unless you CGI everyone perfectly. Then you'll get to enjoy EXPENDABLES 50 on a holographic module from a cryogenic chamber.

During a failed mission, Terry Crews get severely injured, landing him in the hospital. Yes, it seems the crew is getting too old for this shit. So Barney Ross hires some younger folks to complete the original mission. Kind of like Justin Long in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. John McClane can't do shit without the young computer hacker leading the way.

Back From My Digression

The new class gets kidnapped and, guess what, the old fogeys have to rescue them. Oh, you thought the old guys where going to drink themselves to death. No, not yet. The original crew has a couple of additions. First, we have Wesley Snipes, his specialty is cutting people up...with blades. And Secondly, there's Harrison Ford, head of the CIA. I think Ford is in this movie only because Stallone didn't want to be the oldest guy on the set.

He's doesn't hang out for very long, but there is no reason for Kelsey Grammer to appear in any EXPENDABLES movie. Yeah, I'll give him a few points, since he was once married to a softcore porn star. But growing a five o'clock shadow, and drinking out of a flask, doesn't fool anyone...Fraiser Crane.

'Hey Barney! You should have killed me when you had the chance, if you want the kids, come get 'em!'

Mel Gibson is the perfect villain. His character is a disgruntled, Ex-Expendable. It's like SKYFALL, when the villain was a member of MI6, before going rogue. Gibson made this film the best of the franchise. All the trouble he's gotten into in recent years has worked out in his favor. He's so good at acting like a crazed psychopath, you forget he's even acting. 

EXPENDABLES 3 pushes the bounds of a PG-13 rating. There's a couple of F-Bombs, so you may want to leave the toddlers in the car, while you watch it. In conclusion, if you like seeing people die, this is the film for you.

Final Verdict: 80 out 100